Sex & Love
Sex Therapy
Do any of these questions come up for you?…
Is there something wrong with me sexually?
Why am I having difficulty with sex?
What do I do if my partner and I have incongruent sexual drives? or
Why don’t I want to have sex with my partner more?
Isn’t sex supposed to be more pleasurable? or
Am I a sexual deviant because my sex drive is higher than my partner’s?
Am I a freak because of these fantasies I’m having?
Is a kink/BDSM/poly lifestyle something that could work for me?
Unfortunately, we’re not raised in a society that teaches us to have open, honest, and shame-free conversations around sex. Because of this, sometimes we have difficulty talking to our partners about our true wants and desires. Sometimes we may even have difficulty admitting to ourselves what those fantasies are. Other times, something in our relationship needs to change in order for us to feel safe enough to speak up for what we need. Sometimes it’s an issue of communication and consent. Sometimes it’s just that you need help to process what you are thinking and feeling. Here, in my office, we can have curious, exploratory conversations around what is going on and come up with a plan to help you find a more fulfilled sex life.
Relationship Work:
Boundaries, Attachment Styles, & Intimacy
(Oh My!)
Boundaries exist on a continuum. The two opposite ends are rigid (black/white inflexible) and porous (not clearly defined and leaky). Our goal is to be in the middle: flexible (defined, but open to compromise depending on circumstances). Flexible boundaries are when we listen to our internal authentic self and know what’s ok and what’s not ok. We take that voice into account and do constant calibrations. We do this with the goal of keeping ourselves safe AND have a willingness to compromise for the betterment of the relationship and emotional growth for ourselves.
Because we know that growth is right outside of our comfort zone, right?
Boundary work:
Do you have a hard time saying no?
Do you feel resentment towards people after doing things you didn’t want to do?
Do you make assumptions about what others are thinking or saying? (a little known way that we violate other people’s boundaries!)
The way we will work on boundaries is: KNOW- NAME- MAINTAIN
Some of us don’t even know WHAT our boundaries are. First, we need to figure that out. KNOW your boundaries. Then, we need to make sure we communicate them to those around us. NAME your boundaries (because if other’s violate boundaries they didn’t know existed, that’s our fault). Lastly, we need to MAINTAIN our boundaries. This is where the nuanced work comes in that will be unique to you!
Attachment work:
There are three main attachment styles. Guess what?! They are also on a continuum. The two opposite ends are ANXIOUS and AVOIDANT. The one in the middle is the goal (again). We strive for STABLE attachment to our loved ones. Most of us tend towards one side or the other. This comes from the way that we were raised or the things we experienced in our formative years. Many of us did not have great role models of how to do romantic relationships growing up. The good news is that your attachment style is not fixed. We can identify areas that we can grow and change to feel more safe/stable in our love relationships.
So… What Does Intimacy Have to Do With It?
Interestingly enough, if we don’t have boundaries, we don’t have intimacy.
What?!
We need boundaries to feel safe. We need secure attachment to feel safe.
We need to feel SAFE in order to be able to TRUST and give our true selves in a vulnerable way. If we can’t be who we truly are and ask for what we need, then we don’t have true intimacy.
Intimate Betrayal Trauma
Experiencing infidelity in the form of sexual betrayal is considered CPTSD (Complex Post Trauma Stress Disorder).
I will say that again... When someone you care about has betrayed your trust, it impacts so many different areas of your life that it is considered COMPLEX TRAUMA.
You may be feeling so lost and broken… your world has been turned upside down and you don’t know which end is up. You might not know which direction to go or where to turn.
Working together, we will first attain safety and stabilization to get your brain back online. From there, we can devise a recovery plan for healing from your betrayal trauma.
Do you have people around you asking,“ why can’t you forgive and move forward?” or telling you to “just get over it”? I’m here to let you know that this type of trauma is significant; however, there is hope.
I have trained with Dr. Sheri Keffer, author of Intimate Deception, and Mari Lee, co-author of Facing Heartbreak, and have specialized training in the Certified Partner Trauma Therapist Model. I am able to lead you through the phases of betrayal trauma recovery.
I offer individual therapy and have specialized groups for partners who have experienced intimate betrayal.
Together, we can help you heal and find your way through.
Out of Control Sexual Behavior
Is your sexual behavior causing you to feel distressed?
Are you acting outside of your values?
Do you feel as if your sexual behaviors are incongruent with your integrity?
We can work together to explore your values and your sexual behavior in a nonjudgement zone. We’ll work with honesty and curiosity to see what your recovery looks like as you come into alignment with your integrity.
If we are living in shame, we are unable to live a wholehearted, authentic, and joyous life. I’ve been trained in Out of Control Sexual Behaviors (OCSB), am a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and I’m trained in shame resiliency. Let’s work together to figure out how to get you back on track to healthy sexuality free of shame.